Finally! After about a week and a half or so I feel like myself again and I owe it all to God. On March 2nd I was at home babysitting while my mom and sister went to the store. I felt completely fine just taking care of my niece and nephew when suddenly this pain hard to describe just hit me on my upper back then it quickly traveled to my chest and the back of my head. At first I tried to brush it off but then I just felt as if I couldn’t breathe. I tried to catch my breath but I couldn’t, from there I just lost it my heart was racing fast and I just started to cry. I quickly called my sister to let her know, she was helping me to calm down but it just wouldn’t go away, I felt like I couldn’t walk and I just wanted to hit the ground, that’s when I decided to call for an ambulance. Thankfully my neighbor was home and she was kind enough to help me keep an eye on my niece and nephew while the paramedics checked me out. Soon after my mom and sister got home, they recommended me to go to the hospital just to be on the safe side, once they assured everything was fine they told me it was an anxiety attack. I’ve had one before but never like this and I pray for anyone who experiences them constantly is healed. The next day I had a concert to go to, I felt pretty good but through the night I had little triggers that made me think I wasn’t feeling good so I kept repeating to myself “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding but in all ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight.” That bible verse helped me to get through the first two or three days after the anxiety.
The whole week and a half after that until today I just didn’t feel like myself. Usually I’ll be up making jokes, laughing, dancing around the house, playing with my niece and nephew but for some reason I just couldn’t do much, it was almost as if I was paranoid. I didn’t want to be left alone for long, I couldn’t be home comfortably even through the night. Every night I would wake up constantly struggling to go back to sleep, I kept having to reassure myself that I am fine and I prayed throughout each of those moments. I lost count as to how many times I’ve cried since then but I am truly thankful God brought me out. It’s hard to explain to others what it feels like and even when you are explaining it almost feels like you can’t even find the words. This whole week I’ve been cutting down on distractions doing my best to just stick to reading my bible, praying, eating healthy, watching the thoughts that come to mind even the words that I speak. Out of the mouth comes curses and blessings, speaking blessings is much better as words really do have an effect on ourselves and others. Before today I felt alive but not really living, yes I was pressing into the word of God but my mind wasn’t right, I felt like everything was blurred. Praise God! Last night I had a beautiful sweet sleep and I woke up with everything looking and feeling much clearer than before, almost as if I have a new sight, new perspective.
Spiritual warfare is something that we need to be ready for, I truly do believe having on the full armor of God helps along the way. I know some struggle to see how this could even help but sometimes we need to walk by faith no by sight to experience God’s blessing. My cousin was the first one that introduced me to God, I started going to her church but soon after I stopped going and went back to my old self destructive habits. The second time I experienced God was when I was completely alone and had no one, almost as if he personally came to me that day reached for my hand and helped me to get up. Now because I know in my heart he is real, I feel as if it’s up to me now to work on my relationship with God and I don’t want to know what will happen if I choose not to. I’ve lived life without him in it and it was the hardest years of my life, now that I am working on getting closer to him I truly do see his words are always true, his yoke is easy and his burden is light. To this day yes I still struggle, yes I have hard times but I know God will help me get through it regardless of what it looks like to me, all things are possible with him.