My mind has been on overload to the point of being speechless. I don’t know where to begin when I am trying to express myself nor do I know what it is exactly that is bothering me. I’m trying to make sense of it all but it feels as if I keep hitting a brick wall. I’ve found myself getting close to God only to begin questioning when will certain things happen and in those moments, I begin to go about my own way which I know is never good to do.
Ever since I can remember I’ve struggled to find my purpose, I know I want to make a difference but it seems at times that when we try to do good we are fought by the enemy even more. The attacks can either be mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually, I’m sure there are many ways. As for me it’s usually all of those four and I am exhausted but I will not stop fighting back and I will not give up. When I was young I never really held a job for long and now that I am in a different state of mind I can’t seem to find one. I see myself working, I see myself writing a book but when it doesn’t happen I wonder what does God want me to do. I know for a fact that book has been in my heart since before I was even 15, I can’t seem to get away from the thought of it and I truly do believe I’m meant for it. The only thing is that I have things I need to take care of and I know in the bible God says he will care for us we simply need to trust him. When I was younger I had an easier time actually letting things be but now it feels as if there’s urgency behind it, like I need to get it done now and the fact that it’s not happening is a little discouraging but I know that is far from what God wants. His ways are not our ways and I need to stop trying to control things or even having expectations, then how will I leave room for him to work. I pray to God to give me a clean heart heart and renew a loyal spirit within me, that is where I stand right now in my life.