I used to believe that being transparent made you weak and I often cared of what others might think of me or say. Somewhere down the line all that has changed and I am thankful to God for helping me to come out of that. Everyday isn’t easy though because unfortunately when we show more of ourselves, people often take advantage of it to use it against you. They know certain details that they have no problem bringing up in order to get a reaction out of you. When you are trying not to be confrontational, many don’t know how to deal with it. They’ll nitpick until they get a reaction from you, only to make it seem as if you’re the one with the problem. What am I talking about?
The downs of the relationship my sister and I have. We’ve lived together practically our whole lives, we both have our own strong views on certain things in life and if we feel strongly about something we don’t come to an understanding, we simply agree to disagree. I never thought that me and her would be dealing with this even at this age, it’s one thing when we were kids but now it drains us. Unfortunately though we see many times that in other families many wouldn’t hesitate to cut off all communication when something goes wrong. Although my sister and I face difficulties I’m thankful that we are able to sit down and hear each other out. It may not always be right away, sometimes it takes a few days but I know that it’s not always the right move to make. A lot can happen in one day and I don’t see how any one can take the chance of leaving things on a wrong note, as well as letting things affect us to the point of not wanting to speak. Sooner or later what we get all worked up for most times won’t even matter and if you catch yourself before letting it get too far, you’ll be lucky to realize sooner. Life isn’t meant to spent being angry, though we do have the right to feel disappointment at times it’s not healthy to continuously hold on to it and sometimes it’s not even worth holding on to it just to prove a point. As of now I don’t think I’ll ever come to hate anyone, hate is too much to hold on to and it only has a hurtful impact on you. I believe pride is unfortunate, to my surprise my sister admitted to me not so long ago that if it wasn’t for me speaking to her first, we wouldn’t talk for a longer period of time. I didn’t mention it to her but hearing that hurt me because in many of the cases she still believes I’m in the wrong which is why I say pride is unfortunate, it can cause someone to look past what’s important and let disagreements go further. Truth be told if it wasn’t for God, I believe I would be bitter at this point in my life, I would have no consideration for anyone else, I would be even more prideful than my sister at this point because that’s how it was when we were younger. Only God knows what I’d be like this very moment had he not stepped in and saved me from myself, as a matter of fact it scares me to even think about it. I know the possibilities of people hurting us are many but through it all, look to God. There is no one else who can fully heal you like he does, who can lead you every step of the way even when things seem impossible to get through. He makes a way where there is no way and as he is leading you, remember to trust him and don’t lean on your own understanding.
Promise me that whatever struggle you are facing, you won’t give up!
How many unfortunately have? How many times were you close to it? How many times was I?
What the enemy means for harm, God turns it around for good. Can you imagine how much credit the devil gives himself when he sees us breaking, it’s difficult to even fathom. Many people think that’s it, finally I’m seeing what I want to see, they’re not as strong as they think are but little do they know you serve a big God. The creator of all things, nothing is too much for him. I believe God placed many of us here to show himself through yet life happens and unfortunately at times we stray away. Look to him when times get hard and believe me when I say you will get through it. Let him speak to you, silence your mind and be open to receiving the peace that surpasses all understanding and do not lean on your own.
My mind has been on overload to the point of being speechless. I don’t know where to begin when I am trying to express myself nor do I know what it is exactly that is bothering me. I’m trying to make sense of it all but it feels as if I keep hitting a brick wall. I’ve found myself getting close to God only to begin questioning when will certain things happen and in those moments, I begin to go about my own way which I know is never good to do.
Ever since I can remember I’ve struggled to find my purpose, I know I want to make a difference but it seems at times that when we try to do good we are fought by the enemy even more. The attacks can either be mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually, I’m sure there are many ways. As for me it’s usually all of those four and I am exhausted but I will not stop fighting back and I will not give up. When I was young I never really held a job for long and now that I am in a different state of mind I can’t seem to find one. I see myself working, I see myself writing a book but when it doesn’t happen I wonder what does God want me to do. I know for a fact that book has been in my heart since before I was even 15, I can’t seem to get away from the thought of it and I truly do believe I’m meant for it. The only thing is that I have things I need to take care of and I know in the bible God says he will care for us we simply need to trust him. When I was younger I had an easier time actually letting things be but now it feels as if there’s urgency behind it, like I need to get it done now and the fact that it’s not happening is a little discouraging but I know that is far from what God wants. His ways are not our ways and I need to stop trying to control things or even having expectations, then how will I leave room for him to work. I pray to God to give me a clean heart heart and renew a loyal spirit within me, that is where I stand right now in my life.
The love in the light brings peace over me that I never knew. All so very new to me, can’t compare to anything. God there is no one like you who sees right through me, even in the days that I was lost you took the time to reach out. How could I have wandered so far away from your truth. All through these years I was fighting to hold on to my faith, at times I was certain I took a loss but through your great given grace you turned it around for good.
In my younger years I held it close to my heart to never give myself before marriage but that went out the window when I was 17. It might seem odd to others that I’m here sharing this but I rather be open about the truth as a Christian and where I stand now in this walk, which is still somewhat new to me.
I’ve been on the receiving end of questionable looks when I mention that I am not comfortable dating around more than one person at the same time. Though I do not owe anyone any explanation I choose to share this in hopes that it might help someone else to know that they are not alone. I’ve lost count as to how many times people tell me that I should date around and as close as I’ve been to taking that poor advice I am thankful I did not. At 17 I remember my first so called boyfriend, he was older than I was and I was also old enough to know better but I still went along with it. After that happened, we probably kept seeing each other for a little more over a year but eventually we completely stopped talking to one another. I was clueless as to why but of course some time after that I found out that he was already in a serious relationship and he had a kid. I don’t really recall me being hurt when I found out, I was actually more disappointed as to why he couldn’t just be honest and why he would even take it as far as introducing me to some of his family when we were clearly not in a position to take such a step. As a youngster I was also confused because he considered himself to be a Christian, that is when I started to have preconceived notions about what they are truly like but I didn’t know any better. Now I understand that it’s one thing stating that you are and another to fully commit yourself to walking in obedience and I know because I am still learning. Whether we think we have knowledge or not, it means nothing when you make the wrong choices but thankfully no one is too far off to ask for forgiveness until it is time for the Lord’s return, why take the chance in putting off that choice longer?
I am 27 years old now and it was only about two years ago that I began to fully get a grasp of the reality that I gave myself before marriage. I’ll admit I broke down because it truly hit me not only for the fact that I let that promise to myself go but again I found myself dating someone and making the same mistake. Personally I’ll never say that he was a mistake but the decision I made was, I don’t believe in putting blame on anyone but yourself when you are not being held against your own will, I did it freely. In those moments I tried to justify each time I did it but eventually something did not sit well with me. Not only did I have to walk away for myself because of that very reason but knowing that we both faced temptation each time was tough. As I think about it I ask myself why would I want to be partly responsible of taking that away from him when God made someone specifically for them. I could’ve made a thousand excuses as to why I made the decision to let go but deep down I know this was the reason. As crazy as I may sound to others this is my belief, I believe in saving yourself for marriage. Think of how much more special and pure it will be. You can be told that those types of relationships aren’t possible anymore but have faith, they most certainly are.
Many people are carefree and I’m not saying I don’t know how to have fun or anything but when it comes to dating, I take it seriously and I know I’m not the only one. I’m no one to judge and I am not but I always wonder how is it that so many people can go through with it and feel like everything is fine. God made sex for marriage, defiling your bed is not worth it. Truth be told for me there was emptiness because I wanted more, God made us to love so it is only naturally to want to love and be loved but that is not possible when you are giving yourself to someone that God did not intend for to be your husband/wife. You can say we are human, it is natural for us to have needs but the real fact is that yes we do have them but they should only be fulfilled within marriage. I will add this as well, I believe that two people who end up getting married after sleeping together can still come to God and state their short comings because we all have them. I’ll leave it at this statement because I don’t fully know everything and never will I claim that I do, at the end only God can judge us and even if we think we have it all down right it is only him that truly knows the purity of our heart. My words are shared to let others know there is nothing wrong with waiting on God’s timing, when we rush we take the risk of running into something that may not be for us. Let God reveal to you what’s best rather than trying to make decisions based on what you’re feeling because truth be told, our feelings are not always on point.
Proverbs 23:9 – “Do not speak to fools, for they will scorn your prudent words.”
Hebrews 13:4 – “Marriage is to be honored by all, and husbands and wives must be faithful to each other. God will judge those who are immoral and those who commit adultery.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
In life it’s inevitable that something will come along to cause you to doubt, worry, stress and even be insecure about where you’re heading. You know what you want and need but believe me when I say trust in Matthew 6:33 “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.” I’m not saying you still won’t face any type of opposition but throughout it, hold on to your faith and surely it will get stronger. I say that from experience, years ago I was losing it but God himself fought for me, how beautiful it is to know our Father doesn’t forget about us, it is us who wander off and wonder where he is but little do you know he’s been there all along waiting for you, you just simply need to knock and he’ll open that door. Now don’t just give up because you feel like he’s not dropping blessings for you here and there just like that, you can’t just take and not give. Ask him if there’s anything you can do for him, if there’s something you can do to bring him glory, to reveal your purpose, in due time he will answer, in his time not yours, patience is key. You need to seek him consistently, pray, pray for others and yourself and if you’re not sure how to pray just sit there in silence and he’ll read into you. Your struggles are no secret to him, he sees what you go through and deal with on a daily basis, he knows your path and not only that but he holds your future. Don’t let those struggles cause you to be stressed, angry or bitter, let them be the reason why you choose to look to God and your faith and the reason you persevere. You’d be surprised at what God has in store for us because it is so much more than what we imagined it to be especially when we lean on our own understanding. I can only hope for some of the desires of my heart to come to fruition but at the same time you have to be at peace if in the end you end up somewhere completely different, you’ll look back and wonder how you could have wanted anything else but what God had specifically for you with your name on it.