The love in the light brings peace over me that I never knew. All so very new to me, can’t compare to anything. God there is no one like you who sees right through me, even in the days that I was lost you took the time to reach out. How could I have wandered so far away from your truth. All through these years I was fighting to hold on to my faith, at times I was certain I took a loss but through your great given grace you turned it around for good.
In my younger years I held it close to my heart to never give myself before marriage but that went out the window when I was 17. It might seem odd to others that I’m here sharing this but I rather be open about the truth as a Christian and where I stand now in this walk, which is still somewhat new to me.
I’ve been on the receiving end of questionable looks when I mention that I am not comfortable dating around more than one person at the same time. Though I do not owe anyone any explanation I choose to share this in hopes that it might help someone else to know that they are not alone. I’ve lost count as to how many times people tell me that I should date around and as close as I’ve been to taking that poor advice I am thankful I did not. At 17 I remember my first so called boyfriend, he was older than I was and I was also old enough to know better but I still went along with it. After that happened, we probably kept seeing each other for a little more over a year but eventually we completely stopped talking to one another. I was clueless as to why but of course some time after that I found out that he was already in a serious relationship and he had a kid. I don’t really recall me being hurt when I found out, I was actually more disappointed as to why he couldn’t just be honest and why he would even take it as far as introducing me to some of his family when we were clearly not in a position to take such a step. As a youngster I was also confused because he considered himself to be a Christian, that is when I started to have preconceived notions about what they are truly like but I didn’t know any better. Now I understand that it’s one thing stating that you are and another to fully commit yourself to walking in obedience and I know because I am still learning. Whether we think we have knowledge or not, it means nothing when you make the wrong choices but thankfully no one is too far off to ask for forgiveness until it is time for the Lord’s return, why take the chance in putting off that choice longer?
I am 27 years old now and it was only about two years ago that I began to fully get a grasp of the reality that I gave myself before marriage. I’ll admit I broke down because it truly hit me not only for the fact that I let that promise to myself go but again I found myself dating someone and making the same mistake. Personally I’ll never say that he was a mistake but the decision I made was, I don’t believe in putting blame on anyone but yourself when you are not being held against your own will, I did it freely. In those moments I tried to justify each time I did it but eventually something did not sit well with me. Not only did I have to walk away for myself because of that very reason but knowing that we both faced temptation each time was tough. As I think about it I ask myself why would I want to be partly responsible of taking that away from him when God made someone specifically for them. I could’ve made a thousand excuses as to why I made the decision to let go but deep down I know this was the reason. As crazy as I may sound to others this is my belief, I believe in saving yourself for marriage. Think of how much more special and pure it will be. You can be told that those types of relationships aren’t possible anymore but have faith, they most certainly are.
Many people are carefree and I’m not saying I don’t know how to have fun or anything but when it comes to dating, I take it seriously and I know I’m not the only one. I’m no one to judge and I am not but I always wonder how is it that so many people can go through with it and feel like everything is fine. God made sex for marriage, defiling your bed is not worth it. Truth be told for me there was emptiness because I wanted more, God made us to love so it is only naturally to want to love and be loved but that is not possible when you are giving yourself to someone that God did not intend for to be your husband/wife. You can say we are human, it is natural for us to have needs but the real fact is that yes we do have them but they should only be fulfilled within marriage. I will add this as well, I believe that two people who end up getting married after sleeping together can still come to God and state their short comings because we all have them. I’ll leave it at this statement because I don’t fully know everything and never will I claim that I do, at the end only God can judge us and even if we think we have it all down right it is only him that truly knows the purity of our heart. My words are shared to let others know there is nothing wrong with waiting on God’s timing, when we rush we take the risk of running into something that may not be for us. Let God reveal to you what’s best rather than trying to make decisions based on what you’re feeling because truth be told, our feelings are not always on point.
Proverbs 23:9 – “Do not speak to fools, for they will scorn your prudent words.”
Hebrews 13:4 – “Marriage is to be honored by all, and husbands and wives must be faithful to each other. God will judge those who are immoral and those who commit adultery.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
In life it’s inevitable that something will come along to cause you to doubt, worry, stress and even be insecure about where you’re heading. You know what you want and need but believe me when I say trust in Matthew 6:33 “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.” I’m not saying you still won’t face any type of opposition but throughout it, hold on to your faith and surely it will get stronger. I say that from experience, years ago I was losing it but God himself fought for me, how beautiful it is to know our Father doesn’t forget about us, it is us who wander off and wonder where he is but little do you know he’s been there all along waiting for you, you just simply need to knock and he’ll open that door. Now don’t just give up because you feel like he’s not dropping blessings for you here and there just like that, you can’t just take and not give. Ask him if there’s anything you can do for him, if there’s something you can do to bring him glory, to reveal your purpose, in due time he will answer, in his time not yours, patience is key. You need to seek him consistently, pray, pray for others and yourself and if you’re not sure how to pray just sit there in silence and he’ll read into you. Your struggles are no secret to him, he sees what you go through and deal with on a daily basis, he knows your path and not only that but he holds your future. Don’t let those struggles cause you to be stressed, angry or bitter, let them be the reason why you choose to look to God and your faith and the reason you persevere. You’d be surprised at what God has in store for us because it is so much more than what we imagined it to be especially when we lean on our own understanding. I can only hope for some of the desires of my heart to come to fruition but at the same time you have to be at peace if in the end you end up somewhere completely different, you’ll look back and wonder how you could have wanted anything else but what God had specifically for you with your name on it.
Clearly having a pen pal was not something I had in mind years ago. Especially because it’s someone I used to have a crush on in high school, funny thing though is now I can’t quite remember why I did. He’s not a bad person, just someone who makes mistakes as we all do. We learn as we go in life and unfortunately he’s in prison, trying to do his best so he can come out and be with his kids. I met him through my best friend, from then on we just said hi and bye, a smile here and there when we saw each other, that’s about it. Eventually I found out he was a very close friend of my brother in law and the first time I saw him come around the house, I was like here we go again with this crush.
There I was most of the time just waiting to see when he would show up to hang out with my sisters boyfriend, since he was already living here, I’d get all dressed up and find an excuse to go outside, I didn’t know any better back then. I don’t recall when I told my sister that I thought he was cute and of course she went on and told her man, let’s just call him Jr. Afterwards anytime he’d come around they’d always pick on me about it. I don’t know why but sooner or later I found myself falling for him even more which I didn’t even have a reason to, I just thought then whatever I felt at the time was legit. One morning we heard he ended up getting shot at and he was in the hospital fighting for his life, I cried for days and I kept on praying to God to bring him through this, sure enough he did. The day I saw him show up walking up our driveway with crutches I started to cry and I was so happy to see him, but I still couldn’t bring myself to tell him anything. Even now just looking back I feel so dumb over the whole situation because I mean it’s not like me and him were ever anything, we just happen to know the same people. He ended up staying with us for a while, in the back house we had rebuilt for my sister and brother in law. I was glad that I got to see him everyday, he’d always say what’s up just being kind. Sometimes he’d bring my sister and I some iced coffees seeing as how he knew we loved them so much.
There was this night that my cousins had invited me to a party and I remember I tried to get ready as fast as I could so I can step out before he left, but I didn’t make it. That night I had so much to drink, I cried over how messed up I felt that he wouldn’t look my way, I swear the fact that I’m even sharing this is a little cringing for me. My cousins were trying to calm me down, telling me that I can do better and these were the years that I had low self esteem. As weeks went by Jr. started telling me that he did like me and he did wanted to talk to me but he’s a player, I didn’t need for him to tell me that because in a way I already had a clue. It never got to us talking though, my brother in law and him ended up getting into trouble that had them both sent away. They were in the same place for a bit doing time, that’s when he wrote to me and professed his feelings for me, which I’m like now you want to say something, I wonder why but I never mentioned that to him or anything. The first letter he sent me he would draw roses on it, stars, the moon because he knew I was into all of that. He sent me a poem asking me to be his girl aside from regular letters, a bracelet with my name on it and drawings. Don’t get me wrong, I did love the drawings and the bracelet but that was a newsflash moment for me. My cousin even told me that the times they would all hangout he never heard him mention me or that he liked me, why now and that he didn’t like him for me as well. I thought to myself, he’s my cousin, he’s looking out for me but I can make decisions on my own. My answer to him asking me to be girlfriend was no, I couldn’t see myself with someone that I never had the chance to get to know on a personal level and I also don’t see myself waiting on someone when I don’t even know how he’ll treat me later on down the line. From then on we just kept writing to each other, he admitted to me that even his mom told him not to expect her to wait on you, when she didn’t even put you in this situation you’re in and he agreed. Throughout all of this though I can say that I’m glad we did end up writing to one another, it’s different from the usual at least for me. It’s nice knowing that you can show encouragement to someone when they need it and he’s been helpful himself. Completely different to everything I thought it was when I was in high school but I’m thankful that he’s alive and trying his best to do better now. Life really is unpredictable but we do have the choice to put our faith in God rather than leaning on our own understanding which is what I very often did in my younger years. One thing I have learned from all of this is to never let your feelings get in the way of doing something kind for someone else, you never know what difference you will make.
There is a lot that goes on in this world and I think some people have grown accustomed to it, that to them it’s just another day. I personally believe that there is a bigger picture to life and we are failing to see it. I’m barely being more open to receiving the facts that life is not just about getting by but there’s more, more than we can ever understand from the human perspective. God’s perspective on the other hand is beyond ours and I feel as if he’s trying to get our attention, he wants us to open our eyes at what’s going on. Many don’t respond to his call, some just choose to look the other way or pretend that there’s nothing wrong with the way things are going. I’m not saying that there is nothing good out there either, believe me God does not want us worrying over every thing but he does want us to find peace in him throughout the chaos. There will be rumors of war, we all know it is stated in the bible and some people unfortunately are scared for there lives in certain parts of the world while some are living comfortably. I am thankful at this moment for living here in the U.S but there will come a day when all this will change, some of us are leaving our eternal future thrown up in the air not realizing what it is that we are leaving to chance. There is warfare not just on earth but in the realm in which we cannot see. Pray to God for the strength and the discernment which is needed to make clear choices in this time, be mindful of what it is that you take in. God Bless ❤
She’s nothing like she was before, I wonder what happened to that rough exterior she once so proudly showed. It was rare when I saw her shed a tear, it was rare when she opened up. What can I tell her for her to see that it’s okay if she doesn’t have it all together, that she is more than enough just as she is. Can’t you see, I’ve known you for years I can tell what runs through your mind, all those late night thoughts causing unfounded fears. Who is this woman she’s becoming, evolving right in front of me. One day she stood up, looked at herself and said this is not who I am. Since when was she afraid to step out into the unknown since when did she rely so much on others for happiness after all these years she was strong enough to stand alone. God lifted her up as strange as it may sound to those that do not know, for those who have yet to experience the strength the almighty holds. She took it to prayer, everything that she could no longer bare, the painful memories of her past, the people who took advantage of her, the ones who left her in confusion she finally forgave. She no longer worried of what others might say, she’d rather show light to than to throw shade like them, she didn’t turn her back regardless of what they said or did, yes it hurt from time to time but she didn’t give the negativity power, she didn’t let them win. Her beauty and strength was found from within, she decided to let God work on her, help her change and help her grow. She realized this was much bigger than the problems she’d ever come face to face with, it was all for a purpose. Her spirit, her eyes, mind, heart and soul finally realized she wanted God’s will for her life not that of her own, she’s been there done that so much she has outgrown. Who is this woman she is becoming right in front of me? She is me.
Yes I was the one who couldn’t stand being told about God’s way. Not that I didn’t believe in him, yes I’ve had doubts but I think I was meant to in order for God to fully show himself through, whether I see it right now or not, his will not mine but yes I didn’t want to hear a word. At first all I could ever think of was who are they to tell me anything, after all only God can judge me. I know now though, that there is a difference between condemning someone and then coming from a place of love. I do believe God put a message in me to put out there but sometimes I don’t know how to go about it without making other people feel the way I once did when someone approached me with his word. I wonder if I had to go through it as well in order to be in a position from having that experience and letting other knows I know exactly where they are coming from. One way or another l do believe that God’s will for my life will be done, he leaves nothing unfinished. Although I find myself doubting at times my ability and what I am capable of, I know God will help me through it as he always has, even when it seems as if he’s silent.
God you came through when I was not search in of you. I was lost in the dark but I found light the day you saved me. I give you praises for you were there when no one else was. I thank you for your mercy, you found me worthy of your forgiveness and love.
Embarrassing to admit but I used to spend my time imagining what the man God brings into my life will be like. I’d think of all the things we would possibly do, I’d picture myself waking up to making breakfast while I sip on my coffee. The gatherings we’d hold in our home. Yes I still want it all, but somewhere throughout these last couple of years it just vanished from my thoughts. No I didn’t let my hearts desire go but in the midst of the times I thought I met the one, only to see the reality of it sooner or later, I simply gave up. I gave up on looking, I gave up the search, I’m learning to put my trust in the Lord. At the correct timing, we will meet, no forcing the meeting, having to arrange when and where, no not this time. I’m sure God knows exactly what it is I need and when. Right now he needs me here, spending time with him and healing. I am being restored of what I’ve lost in myself, not the old self destructive habits but the good in me that slowly and silently hid away.
Finally! After about a week and a half or so I feel like myself again and I owe it all to God. On March 2nd I was at home babysitting while my mom and sister went to the store. I felt completely fine just taking care of my niece and nephew when suddenly this pain hard to describe just hit me on my upper back then it quickly traveled to my chest and the back of my head. At first I tried to brush it off but then I just felt as if I couldn’t breathe. I tried to catch my breath but I couldn’t, from there I just lost it my heart was racing fast and I just started to cry. I quickly called my sister to let her know, she was helping me to calm down but it just wouldn’t go away, I felt like I couldn’t walk and I just wanted to hit the ground, that’s when I decided to call for an ambulance. Thankfully my neighbor was home and she was kind enough to help me keep an eye on my niece and nephew while the paramedics checked me out. Soon after my mom and sister got home, they recommended me to go to the hospital just to be on the safe side, once they assured everything was fine they told me it was an anxiety attack. I’ve had one before but never like this and I pray for anyone who experiences them constantly is healed. The next day I had a concert to go to, I felt pretty good but through the night I had little triggers that made me think I wasn’t feeling good so I kept repeating to myself “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding but in all ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight.” That bible verse helped me to get through the first two or three days after the anxiety.
The whole week and a half after that until today I just didn’t feel like myself. Usually I’ll be up making jokes, laughing, dancing around the house, playing with my niece and nephew but for some reason I just couldn’t do much, it was almost as if I was paranoid. I didn’t want to be left alone for long, I couldn’t be home comfortably even through the night. Every night I would wake up constantly struggling to go back to sleep, I kept having to reassure myself that I am fine and I prayed throughout each of those moments. I lost count as to how many times I’ve cried since then but I am truly thankful God brought me out. It’s hard to explain to others what it feels like and even when you are explaining it almost feels like you can’t even find the words. This whole week I’ve been cutting down on distractions doing my best to just stick to reading my bible, praying, eating healthy, watching the thoughts that come to mind even the words that I speak. Out of the mouth comes curses and blessings, speaking blessings is much better as words really do have an effect on ourselves and others. Before today I felt alive but not really living, yes I was pressing into the word of God but my mind wasn’t right, I felt like everything was blurred. Praise God! Last night I had a beautiful sweet sleep and I woke up with everything looking and feeling much clearer than before, almost as if I have a new sight, new perspective.
Spiritual warfare is something that we need to be ready for, I truly do believe having on the full armor of God helps along the way. I know some struggle to see how this could even help but sometimes we need to walk by faith no by sight to experience God’s blessing. My cousin was the first one that introduced me to God, I started going to her church but soon after I stopped going and went back to my old self destructive habits. The second time I experienced God was when I was completely alone and had no one, almost as if he personally came to me that day reached for my hand and helped me to get up. Now because I know in my heart he is real, I feel as if it’s up to me now to work on my relationship with God and I don’t want to know what will happen if I choose not to. I’ve lived life without him in it and it was the hardest years of my life, now that I am working on getting closer to him I truly do see his words are always true, his yoke is easy and his burden is light. To this day yes I still struggle, yes I have hard times but I know God will help me get through it regardless of what it looks like to me, all things are possible with him.