Clearly having a pen pal was not something I had in mind years ago. Especially because it’s someone I used to have a crush on in high school, funny thing though is now I can’t quite remember why I did. He’s not a bad person, just someone who makes mistakes as we all do. We learn as we go in life and unfortunately he’s in prison, trying to do his best so he can come out and be with his kids. I met him through my best friend, from then on we just said hi and bye, a smile here and there when we saw each other, that’s about it. Eventually I found out he was a very close friend of my brother in law and the first time I saw him come around the house, I was like here we go again with this crush.
There I was most of the time just waiting to see when he would show up to hang out with my sisters boyfriend, since he was already living here, I’d get all dressed up and find an excuse to go outside, I didn’t know any better back then. I don’t recall when I told my sister that I thought he was cute and of course she went on and told her man, let’s just call him Jr. Afterwards anytime he’d come around they’d always pick on me about it. I don’t know why but sooner or later I found myself falling for him even more which I didn’t even have a reason to, I just thought then whatever I felt at the time was legit. One morning we heard he ended up getting shot at and he was in the hospital fighting for his life, I cried for days and I kept on praying to God to bring him through this, sure enough he did. The day I saw him show up walking up our driveway with crutches I started to cry and I was so happy to see him, but I still couldn’t bring myself to tell him anything. Even now just looking back I feel so dumb over the whole situation because I mean it’s not like me and him were ever anything, we just happen to know the same people. He ended up staying with us for a while, in the back house we had rebuilt for my sister and brother in law. I was glad that I got to see him everyday, he’d always say what’s up just being kind. Sometimes he’d bring my sister and I some iced coffees seeing as how he knew we loved them so much.
There was this night that my cousins had invited me to a party and I remember I tried to get ready as fast as I could so I can step out before he left, but I didn’t make it. That night I had so much to drink, I cried over how messed up I felt that he wouldn’t look my way, I swear the fact that I’m even sharing this is a little cringing for me. My cousins were trying to calm me down, telling me that I can do better and these were the years that I had low self esteem. As weeks went by Jr. started telling me that he did like me and he did wanted to talk to me but he’s a player, I didn’t need for him to tell me that because in a way I already had a clue. It never got to us talking though, my brother in law and him ended up getting into trouble that had them both sent away. They were in the same place for a bit doing time, that’s when he wrote to me and professed his feelings for me, which I’m like now you want to say something, I wonder why but I never mentioned that to him or anything. The first letter he sent me he would draw roses on it, stars, the moon because he knew I was into all of that. He sent me a poem asking me to be his girl aside from regular letters, a bracelet with my name on it and drawings. Don’t get me wrong, I did love the drawings and the bracelet but that was a newsflash moment for me. My cousin even told me that the times they would all hangout he never heard him mention me or that he liked me, why now and that he didn’t like him for me as well. I thought to myself, he’s my cousin, he’s looking out for me but I can make decisions on my own. My answer to him asking me to be girlfriend was no, I couldn’t see myself with someone that I never had the chance to get to know on a personal level and I also don’t see myself waiting on someone when I don’t even know how he’ll treat me later on down the line. From then on we just kept writing to each other, he admitted to me that even his mom told him not to expect her to wait on you, when she didn’t even put you in this situation you’re in and he agreed. Throughout all of this though I can say that I’m glad we did end up writing to one another, it’s different from the usual at least for me. It’s nice knowing that you can show encouragement to someone when they need it and he’s been helpful himself. Completely different to everything I thought it was when I was in high school but I’m thankful that he’s alive and trying his best to do better now. Life really is unpredictable but we do have the choice to put our faith in God rather than leaning on our own understanding which is what I very often did in my younger years. One thing I have learned from all of this is to never let your feelings get in the way of doing something kind for someone else, you never know what difference you will make.
There is a lot that goes on in this world and I think some people have grown accustomed to it, that to them it’s just another day. I personally believe that there is a bigger picture to life and we are failing to see it. I’m barely being more open to receiving the facts that life is not just about getting by but there’s more, more than we can ever understand from the human perspective. God’s perspective on the other hand is beyond ours and I feel as if he’s trying to get our attention, he wants us to open our eyes at what’s going on. Many don’t respond to his call, some just choose to look the other way or pretend that there’s nothing wrong with the way things are going. I’m not saying that there is nothing good out there either, believe me God does not want us worrying over every thing but he does want us to find peace in him throughout the chaos. There will be rumors of war, we all know it is stated in the bible and some people unfortunately are scared for there lives in certain parts of the world while some are living comfortably. I am thankful at this moment for living here in the U.S but there will come a day when all this will change, some of us are leaving our eternal future thrown up in the air not realizing what it is that we are leaving to chance. There is warfare not just on earth but in the realm in which we cannot see. Pray to God for the strength and the discernment which is needed to make clear choices in this time, be mindful of what it is that you take in. God Bless ❤
Who is this woman I look at?
She’s nothing like she was before, I wonder what happened to that rough exterior she once so proudly showed. It was rare when I saw her shed a tear, it was rare when she opened up. What can I tell her for her to see that it’s okay if she doesn’t have it all together, that she is more than enough just as she is. Can’t you see, I’ve known you for years I can tell what runs through your mind, all those late night thoughts causing unfounded fears. Who is this woman she’s becoming, evolving right in front of me. One day she stood up, looked at herself and said this is not who I am. Since when was she afraid to step out into the unknown since when did she rely so much on others for happiness after all these years she was strong enough to stand alone. God lifted her up as strange as it may sound to those that do not know, for those who have yet to experience the strength the almighty holds. She took it to prayer, everything that she could no longer bare, the painful memories of her past, the people who took advantage of her, the ones who left her in confusion she finally forgave. She no longer worried of what others might say, she’d rather show light to than to throw shade like them, she didn’t turn her back regardless of what they said or did, yes it hurt from time to time but she didn’t give the negativity power, she didn’t let them win. Her beauty and strength was found from within, she decided to let God work on her, help her change and help her grow. She realized this was much bigger than the problems she’d ever come face to face with, it was all for a purpose. Her spirit, her eyes, mind, heart and soul finally realized she wanted God’s will for her life not that of her own, she’s been there done that so much she has outgrown. Who is this woman she is becoming right in front of me? She is me.
Yes I was the one who couldn’t stand being told about God’s way. Not that I didn’t believe in him, yes I’ve had doubts but I think I was meant to in order for God to fully show himself through, whether I see it right now or not, his will not mine but yes I didn’t want to hear a word. At first all I could ever think of was who are they to tell me anything, after all only God can judge me. I know now though, that there is a difference between condemning someone and then coming from a place of love. I do believe God put a message in me to put out there but sometimes I don’t know how to go about it without making other people feel the way I once did when someone approached me with his word. I wonder if I had to go through it as well in order to be in a position from having that experience and letting other knows I know exactly where they are coming from. One way or another l do believe that God’s will for my life will be done, he leaves nothing unfinished. Although I find myself doubting at times my ability and what I am capable of, I know God will help me through it as he always has, even when it seems as if he’s silent.
God you came through when I was not search in of you. I was lost in the dark but I found light the day you saved me. I give you praises for you were there when no one else was. I thank you for your mercy, you found me worthy of your forgiveness and love.
Embarrassing to admit but I used to spend my time imagining what the man God brings into my life will be like. I’d think of all the things we would possibly do, I’d picture myself waking up to making breakfast while I sip on my coffee. The gatherings we’d hold in our home. Yes I still want it all, but somewhere throughout these last couple of years it just vanished from my thoughts. No I didn’t let my hearts desire go but in the midst of the times I thought I met the one, only to see the reality of it sooner or later, I simply gave up. I gave up on looking, I gave up the search, I’m learning to put my trust in the Lord. At the correct timing, we will meet, no forcing the meeting, having to arrange when and where, no not this time. I’m sure God knows exactly what it is I need and when. Right now he needs me here, spending time with him and healing. I am being restored of what I’ve lost in myself, not the old self destructive habits but the good in me that slowly and silently hid away.