In my younger years I held it close to my heart to never give myself before marriage but that went out the window when I was 17. It might seem odd to others that I’m here sharing this but I rather be open about the truth as a Christian and where I stand now in this walk, which is still somewhat new to me.
I’ve been on the receiving end of questionable looks when I mention that I am not comfortable dating around more than one person at the same time. Though I do not owe anyone any explanation I choose to share this in hopes that it might help someone else to know that they are not alone. I’ve lost count as to how many times people tell me that I should date around and as close as I’ve been to taking that poor advice I am thankful I did not. At 17 I remember my first so called boyfriend, he was older than I was and I was also old enough to know better but I still went along with it. After that happened, we probably kept seeing each other for a little more over a year but eventually we completely stopped talking to one another. I was clueless as to why but of course some time after that I found out that he was already in a serious relationship and he had a kid. I don’t really recall me being hurt when I found out, I was actually more disappointed as to why he couldn’t just be honest and why he would even take it as far as introducing me to some of his family when we were clearly not in a position to take such a step. As a youngster I was also confused because he considered himself to be a Christian, that is when I started to have preconceived notions about what they are truly like but I didn’t know any better. Now I understand that it’s one thing stating that you are and another to fully commit yourself to walking in obedience and I know because I am still learning. Whether we think we have knowledge or not, it means nothing when you make the wrong choices but thankfully no one is too far off to ask for forgiveness until it is time for the Lord’s return, why take the chance in putting off that choice longer?
I am 27 years old now and it was only about two years ago that I began to fully get a grasp of the reality that I gave myself before marriage. I’ll admit I broke down because it truly hit me not only for the fact that I let that promise to myself go but again I found myself dating someone and making the same mistake. Personally I’ll never say that he was a mistake but the decision I made was, I don’t believe in putting blame on anyone but yourself when you are not being held against your own will, I did it freely. In those moments I tried to justify each time I did it but eventually something did not sit well with me. Not only did I have to walk away for myself because of that very reason but knowing that we both faced temptation each time was tough. As I think about it I ask myself why would I want to be partly responsible of taking that away from him when God made someone specifically for them. I could’ve made a thousand excuses as to why I made the decision to let go but deep down I know this was the reason. As crazy as I may sound to others this is my belief, I believe in saving yourself for marriage. Think of how much more special and pure it will be. You can be told that those types of relationships aren’t possible anymore but have faith, they most certainly are.
Many people are carefree and I’m not saying I don’t know how to have fun or anything but when it comes to dating, I take it seriously and I know I’m not the only one. I’m no one to judge and I am not but I always wonder how is it that so many people can go through with it and feel like everything is fine. God made sex for marriage, defiling your bed is not worth it. Truth be told for me there was emptiness because I wanted more, God made us to love so it is only naturally to want to love and be loved but that is not possible when you are giving yourself to someone that God did not intend for to be your husband/wife. You can say we are human, it is natural for us to have needs but the real fact is that yes we do have them but they should only be fulfilled within marriage. I will add this as well, I believe that two people who end up getting married after sleeping together can still come to God and state their short comings because we all have them. I’ll leave it at this statement because I don’t fully know everything and never will I claim that I do, at the end only God can judge us and even if we think we have it all down right it is only him that truly knows the purity of our heart. My words are shared to let others know there is nothing wrong with waiting on God’s timing, when we rush we take the risk of running into something that may not be for us. Let God reveal to you what’s best rather than trying to make decisions based on what you’re feeling because truth be told, our feelings are not always on point.
Proverbs 23:9 – “Do not speak to fools, for they will scorn your prudent words.”
Hebrews 13:4 – “Marriage is to be honored by all, and husbands and wives must be faithful to each other. God will judge those who are immoral and those who commit adultery.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
This may be a touchy subject and not in a personal way but for those who are fans of Beyoncé. I think it’s time to share what I’ve come to realize. In all honesty I used to listen to her music, there’s still some songs that I like to this day, the ones more on the romantic side of course. Now a days I can’t really pay no mind to songs where people glorify themselves. We’ve all heard of Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival, maybe some of you haven’t. Many artists go and perform live, many people from around the world attend the event and camp out for it. I personally like to stay informed of what goes on around the world as best as I can and I am in shock sometimes to see what is it that people get so hyped up for. Though there is many, this has been on my mind these last couple of days. If you have Snapchat you see events that are suggested or what’s being shared often and that is where I came across people crying over the fact that they got to see Beyoncé perform, referring her to as the queen and very often as well I see fans defending her as if they personally knew her and let me add that at times the words they choose to use is a sad sight to see. She is being praised and if you’ve read your Bible it states we shouldn’t have any idols and that is how many view her and come to find out they are now holding a mass at a church in San Francisco to worship her. I pray people realize what it is that is truly going on, do not be blind to it and choose to look the other way, that in itself should be a wake up call to see what turn this world is taking. The fact of the matter is that many of her followers would consider me a hater but I have no time or strength to hold hate for anyone, I am simply stating what I see, calling it how I see it. This has nothing to do with the topics many fight over, march for or skip school to prove a point, this is an all around world matter which feels as a continuous line where things are being thrown our way to try to distract us from what it is that truly matters and what changes are and will be taking place. My point in sharing this is because it feels as if God personally laid this on my heart to put out there, I’ve been thinking about it, talking about it with others and I don’t want anyone to miss out on what God is showing us. This will be done in plain view and I’m sure it will be the discussion of the day when it happens, another attempt to distract and unfortunately many will fall into it. Let us not be one of them.
Matthew 11:15 Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand.
In life it’s inevitable that something will come along to cause you to doubt, worry, stress and even be insecure about where you’re heading. You know what you want and need but believe me when I say trust in Matthew 6:33 “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.” I’m not saying you still won’t face any type of opposition but throughout it, hold on to your faith and surely it will get stronger. I say that from experience, years ago I was losing it but God himself fought for me, how beautiful it is to know our Father doesn’t forget about us, it is us who wander off and wonder where he is but little do you know he’s been there all along waiting for you, you just simply need to knock and he’ll open that door. Now don’t just give up because you feel like he’s not dropping blessings for you here and there just like that, you can’t just take and not give. Ask him if there’s anything you can do for him, if there’s something you can do to bring him glory, to reveal your purpose, in due time he will answer, in his time not yours, patience is key. You need to seek him consistently, pray, pray for others and yourself and if you’re not sure how to pray just sit there in silence and he’ll read into you. Your struggles are no secret to him, he sees what you go through and deal with on a daily basis, he knows your path and not only that but he holds your future. Don’t let those struggles cause you to be stressed, angry or bitter, let them be the reason why you choose to look to God and your faith and the reason you persevere. You’d be surprised at what God has in store for us because it is so much more than what we imagined it to be especially when we lean on our own understanding. I can only hope for some of the desires of my heart to come to fruition but at the same time you have to be at peace if in the end you end up somewhere completely different, you’ll look back and wonder how you could have wanted anything else but what God had specifically for you with your name on it.
Clearly having a pen pal was not something I had in mind years ago. Especially because it’s someone I used to have a crush on in high school, funny thing though is now I can’t quite remember why I did. He’s not a bad person, just someone who makes mistakes as we all do. We learn as we go in life and unfortunately he’s in prison, trying to do his best so he can come out and be with his kids. I met him through my best friend, from then on we just said hi and bye, a smile here and there when we saw each other, that’s about it. Eventually I found out he was a very close friend of my brother in law and the first time I saw him come around the house, I was like here we go again with this crush.
There I was most of the time just waiting to see when he would show up to hang out with my sisters boyfriend, since he was already living here, I’d get all dressed up and find an excuse to go outside, I didn’t know any better back then. I don’t recall when I told my sister that I thought he was cute and of course she went on and told her man, let’s just call him Jr. Afterwards anytime he’d come around they’d always pick on me about it. I don’t know why but sooner or later I found myself falling for him even more which I didn’t even have a reason to, I just thought then whatever I felt at the time was legit. One morning we heard he ended up getting shot at and he was in the hospital fighting for his life, I cried for days and I kept on praying to God to bring him through this, sure enough he did. The day I saw him show up walking up our driveway with crutches I started to cry and I was so happy to see him, but I still couldn’t bring myself to tell him anything. Even now just looking back I feel so dumb over the whole situation because I mean it’s not like me and him were ever anything, we just happen to know the same people. He ended up staying with us for a while, in the back house we had rebuilt for my sister and brother in law. I was glad that I got to see him everyday, he’d always say what’s up just being kind. Sometimes he’d bring my sister and I some iced coffees seeing as how he knew we loved them so much.
There was this night that my cousins had invited me to a party and I remember I tried to get ready as fast as I could so I can step out before he left, but I didn’t make it. That night I had so much to drink, I cried over how messed up I felt that he wouldn’t look my way, I swear the fact that I’m even sharing this is a little cringing for me. My cousins were trying to calm me down, telling me that I can do better and these were the years that I had low self esteem. As weeks went by Jr. started telling me that he did like me and he did wanted to talk to me but he’s a player, I didn’t need for him to tell me that because in a way I already had a clue. It never got to us talking though, my brother in law and him ended up getting into trouble that had them both sent away. They were in the same place for a bit doing time, that’s when he wrote to me and professed his feelings for me, which I’m like now you want to say something, I wonder why but I never mentioned that to him or anything. The first letter he sent me he would draw roses on it, stars, the moon because he knew I was into all of that. He sent me a poem asking me to be his girl aside from regular letters, a bracelet with my name on it and drawings. Don’t get me wrong, I did love the drawings and the bracelet but that was a newsflash moment for me. My cousin even told me that the times they would all hangout he never heard him mention me or that he liked me, why now and that he didn’t like him for me as well. I thought to myself, he’s my cousin, he’s looking out for me but I can make decisions on my own. My answer to him asking me to be girlfriend was no, I couldn’t see myself with someone that I never had the chance to get to know on a personal level and I also don’t see myself waiting on someone when I don’t even know how he’ll treat me later on down the line. From then on we just kept writing to each other, he admitted to me that even his mom told him not to expect her to wait on you, when she didn’t even put you in this situation you’re in and he agreed. Throughout all of this though I can say that I’m glad we did end up writing to one another, it’s different from the usual at least for me. It’s nice knowing that you can show encouragement to someone when they need it and he’s been helpful himself. Completely different to everything I thought it was when I was in high school but I’m thankful that he’s alive and trying his best to do better now. Life really is unpredictable but we do have the choice to put our faith in God rather than leaning on our own understanding which is what I very often did in my younger years. One thing I have learned from all of this is to never let your feelings get in the way of doing something kind for someone else, you never know what difference you will make.
There is a lot that goes on in this world and I think some people have grown accustomed to it, that to them it’s just another day. I personally believe that there is a bigger picture to life and we are failing to see it. I’m barely being more open to receiving the facts that life is not just about getting by but there’s more, more than we can ever understand from the human perspective. God’s perspective on the other hand is beyond ours and I feel as if he’s trying to get our attention, he wants us to open our eyes at what’s going on. Many don’t respond to his call, some just choose to look the other way or pretend that there’s nothing wrong with the way things are going. I’m not saying that there is nothing good out there either, believe me God does not want us worrying over every thing but he does want us to find peace in him throughout the chaos. There will be rumors of war, we all know it is stated in the bible and some people unfortunately are scared for there lives in certain parts of the world while some are living comfortably. I am thankful at this moment for living here in the U.S but there will come a day when all this will change, some of us are leaving our eternal future thrown up in the air not realizing what it is that we are leaving to chance. There is warfare not just on earth but in the realm in which we cannot see. Pray to God for the strength and the discernment which is needed to make clear choices in this time, be mindful of what it is that you take in. God Bless ❤
Who is this woman I look at?
She’s nothing like she was before, I wonder what happened to that rough exterior she once so proudly showed. It was rare when I saw her shed a tear, it was rare when she opened up. What can I tell her for her to see that it’s okay if she doesn’t have it all together, that she is more than enough just as she is. Can’t you see, I’ve known you for years I can tell what runs through your mind, all those late night thoughts causing unfounded fears. Who is this woman she’s becoming, evolving right in front of me. One day she stood up, looked at herself and said this is not who I am. Since when was she afraid to step out into the unknown since when did she rely so much on others for happiness after all these years she was strong enough to stand alone. God lifted her up as strange as it may sound to those that do not know, for those who have yet to experience the strength the almighty holds. She took it to prayer, everything that she could no longer bare, the painful memories of her past, the people who took advantage of her, the ones who left her in confusion she finally forgave. She no longer worried of what others might say, she’d rather show light to than to throw shade like them, she didn’t turn her back regardless of what they said or did, yes it hurt from time to time but she didn’t give the negativity power, she didn’t let them win. Her beauty and strength was found from within, she decided to let God work on her, help her change and help her grow. She realized this was much bigger than the problems she’d ever come face to face with, it was all for a purpose. Her spirit, her eyes, mind, heart and soul finally realized she wanted God’s will for her life not that of her own, she’s been there done that so much she has outgrown. Who is this woman she is becoming right in front of me? She is me.