Years ago I never would have guessed that God would bring me to this night, peacefully and quietly sitting in my room as I blog. We all think at some point we know what’s best for us but we really don’t, if anything God knows much more and that is for certain. He knows us better than we know ourselves and I highly doubt I would be happy right now had he not changed my life around, truth be told had he not I probably would have not been here at all.
Let me rewind to some time back and give you a recap of who and how I was. I want to say I was about 14 to 15 years old when I started to become someone who I wasn’t and I say that because looking back I can honestly say I feel as if I was someone else who wasn’t in control of their own actions. The way I spoke, the way I handled myself, the self destructive habits I had, the way I treated my parents and the list goes on. Here’s how my decisions brought me to where I am now.
I’m not against those who choose to smoke marijuana, for one I am not one to judge but besides that I used to smoke constantly and by constantly, I mean every day. In the morning when I would wake up, the first thing on my mind was to go outside, smoke one and enjoy the view of the sky and my surroundings. I would go straight to having my coffee then off to roll one up, that’s if I hadn’t already done it the night before. An hour or two would pass after me waking up and there I would go again, the afternoon, the evening and right before it was time to go to sleep. I know many say that being high makes you see the beauty in things all the more, it’s as if you take a look at everything around you and realize things you would have not before, I know that all too well. Some might say it helps with the pain, the depression, the emotional hurt you’ve experienced over the years, it’s as if it’s the only thing that makes you forget. I can say it was the same for me when it comes to drinking, only I wouldn’t do it everyday but once the weekend would come around there I was gathering up my money, ready to go get me a dub (20 dollars worth of weed), my blunts and my 40 oz beer, every now and then I’d switch it up to a Four Loko. I know so many details right but then I wouldn’t be completely honest if I don’t share it all, now before I go on, I was probably 15 when I started to smoke up until the age of 17 or 18 is when I started to drink, most of the time we wouldn’t even get asked for our I.D. In my teen years I mostly spent my time smoking and walking around the neighborhood staying high and hanging out in alleys. My mom of course didn’t like it one bit, she would want to know where I’m going, with who, what time will I get back and many times I did not listen to her when she wouldn’t want me to go out and that was pretty much all of the time. Occasionally she’d throw comments at me, of how I’m going to get home with my eyes all red, not doing anything with my life, you’re always going to be like that, she was tired of me and she never did tell my dad about the things I did just that I wouldn’t listen. My dad was always temperamental, as a kid I felt like there were times when he didn’t even have a reason to be mad but I suppose it was stress from work. As I got older he knew I was failing in school, there was a point where I had to go to continuation school and he had to take me. Right when we showed up, there were kids smoking in front of the school and my dad lifted his hand up towards me with anger, he didn’t even bother walking in the school, he just told me to get in the truck and once we got inside he started cursing left and right. He refused to let me go there and one way or another, he told me to get it together at my actual school and I tried my best. That didn’t go so well, to me at the time it was just a piece of paper, it doesn’t mean anything and besides that I honestly couldn’t stand school. It wasn’t because it was the fact that I had to learn, take tests or do homework or anything like that. I would look around and hear certain conversations and just knowing that there were so many things going out in the world, I couldn’t help but to get frustrated of how some people placed so much importance on drama, and who said this or that, I literally felt unhappy, at home and knowing that the ones I considered friends then I just couldn’t relate to.
It’s my 18th birthday, you know what that means off to get high and drunk. At the time we had a friend who we would always join to go cruising, yes there we go driving while smoking and drinking. I don’t really remember how it all began, I just know that eventually we found ourselves going for drives almost every weekend and through out the week we’d mostly go to a friends house and stay high, hanging out in front of her house. Sometimes we’d go to the beach or to the park, even take naps in the car. I still recall a time when we chose to drink Ciscos, that’s 18% alcohol and not only did I drink mine but I finished the ones belonging to my friend and cousin. I have little flashbacks every now and then of them helping me walk, telling my friend to slap me so I can snap out of it and she did. That’s one out of two things that happened that night which make me laugh but I also remember me opening the door on the freeway, who knows how fast my friend was driving. Thankfully I had my seat belt on but that doesn’t make it all the more better, I was trying to get off when all I remember is my friend screaming at me yelling Patty and grabbing me by my shoulder and slamming the breaks, the rest was a blur. I don’t know what time it was but the last thing from that night that I recall was getting dropped off at my cousins house, them letting me borrow some pajamas, my cousin trying to help me and all I kept telling her was not to touch me. I’m thankful that they were helpful, even though I was trying to get violent she kept assuring me I’m not doing anything I’m just trying to help you and even though it wasn’t the prettiest moment in my life, it’s nice to know that me and her can just look back at that little moment and laugh it off. This self destructive habit of mine continued right up until the age of 23, through out all of those years as well I developed gallstones obviously because of all my unhealthy choices and yet I still went on with the things I did. Sooner or later I was bound to end up in the hospital, even though I thought I wouldn’t but that was just me and foolish thinking. That night hit me unexpectedly, I simply thought I was bloated and I was at home trying to find remedies. I recall me boiling water, adding cinnamon and that just made everything worse. My insides literally felt like I was being inflated with gas, honestly that’s the only way I know how to describe it. It was days of me feeling like that but I had no idea what was really going on until that night I just knew something wasn’t right and I wanted to go to the hospital. As soon I got there, sorry for some much information but I began throwing up non stop, my eyes were yellow and I was weak. Immediately they took me in and starting drawing blood, taking my temperature and of course my mom right beside me through out all of it after all the hurt I caused her in my younger years, it made me realize how selfish I was. A little time went by, the nurse came and he told me that my pancreas was inflamed. What really got to me was that he told me that I went right on time because it could have gotten worse and it could have been fatal. They informed me that I had to stay in the hospital for about three days, which felt like the longest days of my life, I was ready to leave. One of those nights I was sound asleep and I suddenly woke up with a panic attack, I felt trapped, I felt as if I couldn’t breathe I just wanted to unhook myself from that monitor and walk out. I called home, maybe half an hour passed by and my dad shows up, he was telling me to calm down. He was reminding me that I’m there to get better, that I had to stay for as long as I needed to until everything was good so I can be healthy to get back home to my nephew. He was the first one to be born in the family by my sister and he means everything to me, that was enough for me to hear so I can really get it together. Finally the doctor showed up letting me know that I was good to go, that they had to get some paperwork ready for me to sign and I would be out. That took all day, I thought it was going to be quick but we waited there until the night, eventually they showed up and they sent someone up with a wheelchair. I felt pretty good to walk but they had a policy in case of anything I guess they don’t want to take the chances of anyone falling and that resulting among other things. I felt so happy to be home that night, it made me appreciate being there all the more compared to when all I did was be out on the streets. As days went by I was expecting all the ones that I would talk to more often to come see me or at least ask how I was doing, I got a few messages here and there but it’s as if I blocked that out and wondered where are the rest, the ones I thought I mattered to. At the time I didn’t know any better, I just know that I was completely hurt and I didn’t want anything to do with any one what so ever. I fell into complete depression, most of my days I’d spent in my room watching movies, crying my eyes out, I’d stay up until 5 in the morning at times staring up at the ceiling and just thinking. What got to me as well, was that I found myself in the same place. That wasn’t the first time I dealt with depression, only in my younger years I would do self harm, to this day I still have a small scar that reminds me that I’ve come a long way. In those years I thought I would never come out of it, I had no idea what I was doing, what I was going to do with my life, I was completely lost.
I wish I could remember the exact day and year it all changed for me, but I am just thankful to God that it did. I don’t want to say it was just some random day, I believe it was the day God appointed on his time for him to lead me to him. I was in my room, crying, thinking, you know what I was just so used to doing and my tears just completely went away. It was as if I was never crying, my tears just dried up and I sat up, looked towards a small night stand I had and there a book was, called The Daily Bread. I stood up, grabbed a hold of it and I felt complete peace come over me, I know to some that just doesn’t make any sense but there is no doubt in my heart that God made himself known to me on that day. I began to read, all I could do was smile, all the mistakes I’ve ever did, all the pain I went through just didn’t matter to me, what mattered to me was that God forgave me and I had a fresh start. Some people ask me why do I speak of God so very often, some might even wonder why does she speak of him, after all they know how I was back in the days and my answer, he was there when no one else was. You see to me God’s power is so strong that he doesn’t have to be in a room physically to make his presence known or felt. He can change whatever he wants, whenever he wants and that was the day he called me to him and I’m forever thankful he did. After that day, I admit I would feel some type of way every now and then, I still had to reach for that book to help me calm down and it always did. Eventually I wanted more, so I started to look up free resources online so I can receive little things, similar to The Daily Bread and some DVD’s. I think I started to see more clearly compared to all those others years, I was actually taking my time to heal rather than numbing it and suppressing it with alcohol and staying high. It was the first time I really began to understand not only myself but others and my surroundings are even more beautiful with a clear mind. My dreams from then on became even more interesting to me and it brought me even more confirmation that I was on the right path. I would dream of something evil chasing me, I ran into my house and it became a church. I had a bag in my hand and started putting in crucifixes before whatever was after me caught up. In another one, I was being lifted into the air and I started being pulled between two different forces, one good and one bad. Of course I know that whatever mess I was into then was trying to pull me back but it didn’t succeed. The one dream though that I love, even to this day it still amazes me, was that I found myself standing in a field and it was a warm sunny day. Suddenly this giant white dove, probably the size of an airplane maybe even a little bigger, flew right above the field. To the corner of my eye I noticed more people around and we all just stood there, with this look of awe. The feeling I had was this huge warm wind flow through me and around me and I’ve never felt as safe as I did then. Ever since then I never doubted God is real, some people still question his existence, some don’t even bother with wanting to know. I’ve heard directly from some peoples mouths that they don’t believe in him, cursing at him, taking his name in vain. I’m not going to lie, I do get upset when people say what has God done for me, but how can we expect to receive anything without being thankful of what he has already given us. Yes some days we have to look a little harder because we all know life gets hard at times but God provides a way out in the end. In the moments when I realize my anger is creeping in, I have to remind myself that regardless of what others do or say we have to pray for them. The same way God forgives us, the same way he gives us chances even when we are not worthy is exactly what we should do for others. I always say this though when it comes to giving chances, it’s unfortunate that some people truly do take advantage of the fact that you will always be there but there will come a time when you have to pray for the strength, discernment and wisdom to know who and what to stay away from. That is when you keep a distance and just pray for the ones who bring nothing but pain and trouble. Many of the problems I’ve had in my past was because I would associate with the wrong people, you know the ones who would twist your words around, the ones who would start certain conversations on purpose knowing the intentions they had. I’m not saying this to point fingers at anyone, no this is what happens when you are not discerning of the people you surround yourself with and with the choices you make. There is a way out, you’re not going to find it at the bottom of a bottle and pass times that make you forget rather than facing things directly. You have free will so change what you can, whatever you’re tired of, all things are possible through God. Never did I ever see myself where I am today with the aspirations that I have now. I give all glory to God because I know all of this was made possible because of him, not because of anything I said or did. I am happy knowing that I don’t want the things from before, I’m happy I am not in the same state of mind I was back then. Now let me give you the truth of me to this day, no I am not perfect, yes I still fall from time to time, I still struggle but God is forever faithful. You see people have the tendency to just change up on you but God remains the same, he is the same yesterday, today and forever. He lifts me up and I know he will do the same for you if you seek him, but remember as well just don’t seek his hand over your life, seek him fully, his heart as you would some one here who you genuinely love and care for, do the same for him. It cannot be all take and no give, that would be selfish of us after all he did for us, for our salvation. I made it to 27 years of my life and I give praises to God for it, because not only I am happy and clear minded, living my life but I’m ready to serve him and to share the good news. I am ready to surrender my plans for his. I truly hope this encourages someone even if it is just one person or two, I pray your faith grows and I pray God shows up for you to show you there is more for you, not just where you are now. God Bless! ❤