Trying To Make Sense Of It All

My mind has been on overload to the point of being speechless. I don’t know where to begin when I am trying to express myself nor do I know what it is exactly that is bothering me. I’m trying to make sense of it all but it feels as if I keep hitting a brick wall. I’ve found myself getting close to God only to begin questioning when will certain things happen and in those moments, I begin to go about my own way which I know is never good to do.

Ever since I can remember I’ve struggled to find my purpose, I know I want to make a difference but it seems at times that when we try to do good we are fought by the enemy even more. The attacks can either be mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually, I’m sure there are many ways. As for me it’s usually all of those four and I am exhausted but I will not stop fighting back and I will not give up. When I was young I never really held a job for long and now that I am in a different state of mind I can’t seem to find one. I see myself working, I see myself writing a book but when it doesn’t happen I wonder what does God want me to do. I know for a fact that book has been in my heart since before I was even 15, I can’t seem to get away from the thought of it and I truly do believe I’m meant for it. The only thing is that I have things I need to take care of and I know in the bible God says he will care for us we simply need to trust him. When I was younger I had an easier time actually letting things be but now it feels as if there’s urgency behind it, like I need to get it done now and the fact that it’s not happening is a little discouraging but I know that is far from what God wants. His ways are not our ways and I need to stop trying to control things or even having expectations, then how will I leave room for him to work. I pray to God to give me a clean heart heart and renew a loyal spirit within me, that is where I stand right now in my life.

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Patiently Waiting

Embarrassing to admit but I used to spend my time imagining what the man God brings into my life will be like. I’d think of all the things we would possibly do, I’d picture myself waking up to making breakfast while I sip on my coffee. The gatherings we’d hold in our home. Yes I still want it all, but somewhere throughout these last couple of years it just vanished from my thoughts. No I didn’t let my hearts desire go but in the midst of the times I thought I met the one, only to see the reality of it sooner or later, I simply gave up. I gave up on looking, I gave up the search, I’m learning to put my trust in the Lord. At the correct timing, we will meet, no forcing the meeting, having to arrange when and where, no not this time. I’m sure God knows exactly what it is I need and when. Right now he needs me here, spending time with him and healing. I am being restored of what I’ve lost in myself, not the old self destructive habits but the good in me that slowly and silently hid away.

Sin

How much longer will I fall into sin?

With each time I feel convicted and yet I ask myself how much longer will I continue to be like this. I know we are all not perfect in our own different ways and I don’t think we will ever reach perfection but I do believe we have the chance to grow each and everyday. We all know right from wrong, but some may not see anything wrong with certain things that fall under sin, no judgement after all we all have to answer to God some day but I do wonder how can it be so easy for others to sin without feeling any guilt. Slowly I found myself earlier thinking a little too much to the point of questioning God. I thought to myself I’m not a bad person, I feel personally that I have a pure heart, I love him but will I really end up in hell for the sins I’ve come to commit. I try as best as I can to hold back from anything considered unholy in God’s eyes but sooner or later I not only let him down but myself as well. A couple of years ago I ordered a book online titled “She” by Morgan Harper Nichols. It is a 365 day devotional with bible verses and experiences she’s been through and what we may possibly be dealing with too. I don’t find it to be a coincidence but I simply thought to myself, pick up the book and flip to the page that falls under this date February 2nd. There was something telling me, there you will find something that helps you with your question and it’ll help you put your mind at ease. Sure enough I get up, reach towards the nightstand I have next to my bed and I open the book, here’s the bible verse it read…

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;  but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.  What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?  Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

We are born sinners, therefore we all fall short of the glory of God. When we try to walk righteously, it is impossible for us to do it alone and it is something that can only be done through God, for all things are possible through him. It is key to die to our worldly desires, to our flesh and let ourselves surrender to God’s will for our life. I pray this not only for myself but you as well, that anything and anyone that is detrimental to your spirit, to your soul falls back. I pray God breaks the chains that were sent to harm you and turns it around to use it for good, I pray his will over our lives in Jesus name, Amen. ❤