My mind has been on overload to the point of being speechless. I don’t know where to begin when I am trying to express myself nor do I know what it is exactly that is bothering me. I’m trying to make sense of it all but it feels as if I keep hitting a brick wall. I’ve found myself getting close to God only to begin questioning when will certain things happen and in those moments, I begin to go about my own way which I know is never good to do.
Ever since I can remember I’ve struggled to find my purpose, I know I want to make a difference but it seems at times that when we try to do good we are fought by the enemy even more. The attacks can either be mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually, I’m sure there are many ways. As for me it’s usually all of those four and I am exhausted but I will not stop fighting back and I will not give up. When I was young I never really held a job for long and now that I am in a different state of mind I can’t seem to find one. I see myself working, I see myself writing a book but when it doesn’t happen I wonder what does God want me to do. I know for a fact that book has been in my heart since before I was even 15, I can’t seem to get away from the thought of it and I truly do believe I’m meant for it. The only thing is that I have things I need to take care of and I know in the bible God says he will care for us we simply need to trust him. When I was younger I had an easier time actually letting things be but now it feels as if there’s urgency behind it, like I need to get it done now and the fact that it’s not happening is a little discouraging but I know that is far from what God wants. His ways are not our ways and I need to stop trying to control things or even having expectations, then how will I leave room for him to work. I pray to God to give me a clean heart heart and renew a loyal spirit within me, that is where I stand right now in my life.
For as long as I can remember I have struggled in being patient. Patient for life, patient for love, patience for anything I look forward to see happening. I know some things we simply can’t rush and some things we do have control over, after all God gave us free will but I always find myself praying for discernment. You see I know what exactly it is that I need to have patience for but right now I can’t help but to wonder what is my purpose. There’s moments when I feel so sure of what it is that I want to do but I feel as if there’s something else for me but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I definitely enjoy blogging and writing yet what can I make out of it, for who will it make a difference for. This morning I woke up to my morning cup of coffee, my sister went to go get some breakfast for us and then we put in some home videos we haven’t watched in a really long time. We had to put the videos on hold though because my niece and nephew were running all over the place, now my sister is on her laptop, working on her business and here I am blogging. I wanted to blog today but then again I didn’t, sometimes I don’t see myself blogging so randomly just because but then it hit me, I can express myself seeing as how I know I’m not the only one that might be feeling this way and just maybe it’ll help someone out there or maybe I’ll come across something that’ll help me in putting things back into perspective. You ever feel like you’re just running out of a time? I mean I know we are but I want to make the most of it but where do I start? I find myself patiently waiting for God to reveal my purpose to me in a way that I’ll be able to understand, no questions asked whatsoever. There’s no doubt to me that he sometimes speaks to me in my dreams, somehow I find myself patiently waiting for him to show me there, what my purpose is. There’s nothing normal about either one of us, we are all unique one way or another, therefore I truly do believe that I am not meant to simply settle, I believe God wants us to prosper in a way that glorifies him. Until then I must gently remind myself to walk by faith not by sight, regardless of where I’m at now or how it looks like I need to trust him to lead me to the right place at the right time with the right people.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
By Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)