Condemnation isn’t just a word, it grabs a hold of you if you are not fully armed with the word of God. You are incapable of facing it alone and I know because I’ve tried. I don’t do it on purpose just to see if I can, no it happens as soon as I feel that I let God down completely and I am unworthy of his forgiveness. It’s far from what God wants you to think though and the thoughts that come to mind are not that of your own, they are put into your mind to steer you further away from faith. When I find myself wandering further from my faith in God’s word, I can’t help but to feel lost and unsure of what I should I be doing. There’s nothing that really brings any sense of fulfillment, it’s only emptiness, a whole within waiting to be filled. There might be things that come your way every now and then, nothing but a distraction though it feels like it’s the right thing in that moment but sooner or later you know, that was not sent from God. You are left grappling with the decisions you make and the challenges it brought. When you find yourself in that moment, in your life, do not go to anyone who isn’t in that place to understand why your belief in God is so strong. I don’t mean that in a judging way, I simply state it because it takes someone to know completely where you are coming from and who has been there themselves personally to understand what it is you are truly saying.
Conviction from the Holy Spirit is healthy. You aren’t left feeling helpless and you sure aren’t there straying away further from God. The Holy Spirit has a way of putting a check in your heart, wanting to do better, wanting to be more obedient to God’s word and wanting to get closer to him. I know I slip from time to time but when I do, I feel such deep of repentance that I never felt when I was younger. Never did I ever even think I would come to that place in life. No I am not boasting for this is not of me but the work of God. It is only he who can bring something to pass, something that seems so impossible to us is possible with him. If you ever find yourself in a position where you make a mistake and it is tearing away at you, go to God. Pay no mind to the thoughts that are sent to make you feel like less of a person and pay no mind to the people who are blind to the truth of forgiveness.
Promise me that whatever struggle you are facing, you won’t give up!
How many unfortunately have? How many times were you close to it? How many times was I?
What the enemy means for harm, God turns it around for good. Can you imagine how much credit the devil gives himself when he sees us breaking, it’s difficult to even fathom. Many people think that’s it, finally I’m seeing what I want to see, they’re not as strong as they think are but little do they know you serve a big God. The creator of all things, nothing is too much for him. I believe God placed many of us here to show himself through yet life happens and unfortunately at times we stray away. Look to him when times get hard and believe me when I say you will get through it. Let him speak to you, silence your mind and be open to receiving the peace that surpasses all understanding and do not lean on your own.
My mind has been on overload to the point of being speechless. I don’t know where to begin when I am trying to express myself nor do I know what it is exactly that is bothering me. I’m trying to make sense of it all but it feels as if I keep hitting a brick wall. I’ve found myself getting close to God only to begin questioning when will certain things happen and in those moments, I begin to go about my own way which I know is never good to do.
Ever since I can remember I’ve struggled to find my purpose, I know I want to make a difference but it seems at times that when we try to do good we are fought by the enemy even more. The attacks can either be mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually, I’m sure there are many ways. As for me it’s usually all of those four and I am exhausted but I will not stop fighting back and I will not give up. When I was young I never really held a job for long and now that I am in a different state of mind I can’t seem to find one. I see myself working, I see myself writing a book but when it doesn’t happen I wonder what does God want me to do. I know for a fact that book has been in my heart since before I was even 15, I can’t seem to get away from the thought of it and I truly do believe I’m meant for it. The only thing is that I have things I need to take care of and I know in the bible God says he will care for us we simply need to trust him. When I was younger I had an easier time actually letting things be but now it feels as if there’s urgency behind it, like I need to get it done now and the fact that it’s not happening is a little discouraging but I know that is far from what God wants. His ways are not our ways and I need to stop trying to control things or even having expectations, then how will I leave room for him to work. I pray to God to give me a clean heart heart and renew a loyal spirit within me, that is where I stand right now in my life.
In life it’s inevitable that something will come along to cause you to doubt, worry, stress and even be insecure about where you’re heading. You know what you want and need but believe me when I say trust in Matthew 6:33 “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.” I’m not saying you still won’t face any type of opposition but throughout it, hold on to your faith and surely it will get stronger. I say that from experience, years ago I was losing it but God himself fought for me, how beautiful it is to know our Father doesn’t forget about us, it is us who wander off and wonder where he is but little do you know he’s been there all along waiting for you, you just simply need to knock and he’ll open that door. Now don’t just give up because you feel like he’s not dropping blessings for you here and there just like that, you can’t just take and not give. Ask him if there’s anything you can do for him, if there’s something you can do to bring him glory, to reveal your purpose, in due time he will answer, in his time not yours, patience is key. You need to seek him consistently, pray, pray for others and yourself and if you’re not sure how to pray just sit there in silence and he’ll read into you. Your struggles are no secret to him, he sees what you go through and deal with on a daily basis, he knows your path and not only that but he holds your future. Don’t let those struggles cause you to be stressed, angry or bitter, let them be the reason why you choose to look to God and your faith and the reason you persevere. You’d be surprised at what God has in store for us because it is so much more than what we imagined it to be especially when we lean on our own understanding. I can only hope for some of the desires of my heart to come to fruition but at the same time you have to be at peace if in the end you end up somewhere completely different, you’ll look back and wonder how you could have wanted anything else but what God had specifically for you with your name on it.
Embarrassing to admit but I used to spend my time imagining what the man God brings into my life will be like. I’d think of all the things we would possibly do, I’d picture myself waking up to making breakfast while I sip on my coffee. The gatherings we’d hold in our home. Yes I still want it all, but somewhere throughout these last couple of years it just vanished from my thoughts. No I didn’t let my hearts desire go but in the midst of the times I thought I met the one, only to see the reality of it sooner or later, I simply gave up. I gave up on looking, I gave up the search, I’m learning to put my trust in the Lord. At the correct timing, we will meet, no forcing the meeting, having to arrange when and where, no not this time. I’m sure God knows exactly what it is I need and when. Right now he needs me here, spending time with him and healing. I am being restored of what I’ve lost in myself, not the old self destructive habits but the good in me that slowly and silently hid away.
How much longer will I fall into sin?
With each time I feel convicted and yet I ask myself how much longer will I continue to be like this. I know we are all not perfect in our own different ways and I don’t think we will ever reach perfection but I do believe we have the chance to grow each and everyday. We all know right from wrong, but some may not see anything wrong with certain things that fall under sin, no judgement after all we all have to answer to God some day but I do wonder how can it be so easy for others to sin without feeling any guilt. Slowly I found myself earlier thinking a little too much to the point of questioning God. I thought to myself I’m not a bad person, I feel personally that I have a pure heart, I love him but will I really end up in hell for the sins I’ve come to commit. I try as best as I can to hold back from anything considered unholy in God’s eyes but sooner or later I not only let him down but myself as well. A couple of years ago I ordered a book online titled “She” by Morgan Harper Nichols. It is a 365 day devotional with bible verses and experiences she’s been through and what we may possibly be dealing with too. I don’t find it to be a coincidence but I simply thought to myself, pick up the book and flip to the page that falls under this date February 2nd. There was something telling me, there you will find something that helps you with your question and it’ll help you put your mind at ease. Sure enough I get up, reach towards the nightstand I have next to my bed and I open the book, here’s the bible verse it read…
So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.